
Yet Again – You probably heard it here first.
Lieutenant Stanton Hoover (#3486) who has had several EEOC complaints filed against him has been demoted to work patrol. In a prior Blog, we wrote how Stan “da man” Hoover was placed as a night detective – a job that had been eliminated 5+ years ago and had mysterious reappeared on the radar to give two-timing Stan a home. Well Stan is going to be working probably the dirtiest, shittiest precinct at Central City District (#500) right off of 16th Street and I 17. From what we hear, it really doesn’t get any worse than 500.
Please note: BadPhoenixCops is offering $100 to any photo of Stan Hoover in his uniform, in a patrol car. We will offer $500 for Stan in uniform at a BEVMO! LOL!
It’s been awhile since Stan filled out a DR, worked Patrol or wore a uniform, we thought we would offer some sage advice:
1) We have to assume that those uniforms don’t fit anymore, since your began your benders at BEVMO. You may want search for larger pants. Maybe you can see if anyone has an old pair you can wear?
2) If gained a lot of weight, perhaps you can relish in the fact that bullets won’t hit you…they’ll just start orbiting around you like satellites! Just ask Benny Pena!
3) Unfortunately in that part of town, BEVMO hasn’t built any stores. Sorry. Giving all those whinos discounted liquor isn’t part of their business model. There are some fine Food City’s and Filebertos though! You might be able to meet Sheriff Joe on one of his raids! You're also closer to Los Dos Melinos so it's not all bad. We did find one BEVMO out in Goodyear and we thought we would provide you a map here
http://www.bevmo.com/Misc/StoreLocator.aspx?area=stores. We found Big Deal Vodka:
Ketel One Vodka 1.75ltr Only $32.99! Better stock up there pal, 500 is going to be brutal!
4) As you know the biggest problem with 500 besides the crime and random gunfire, is JP4 Fuel left by the planes. Your car will sit in the parking lot in the direct path of all planes, dumping their fuel as they land. It leaves a nice smooth coating and film on your car; think of a bundt cake, think of Heather’s chin after a night in the Maryville precinct parking lot, think of a nice glazed donut! That stuff will destroy your car so you better condom it Stan. There’s no covered parking there.
5) There’s a great park next door to 500. You can have lunch there among the prostitutes and needles! Maybe you could get a nice crack-whore or tweeker blowjob - and a bonus is tweekers have no teeth! Commander Mike Parra says they only cost $5! That's a steal!
6) Think positively Stan…it really can’t get much worse than this. Well come to think of it…its pretty fucking bad...but you could be on night duty in 500…
7) A few months ago we were visiting with a friend who worked in the building/warehouse just south of 500. Ironically, there were some cops in the back conducting some training exercises. We introduced ourselves and they said they read the site everyday and were big supporters of it. Some even admitted to posting comments. We really hope it’s comforting to know that all the hard working 20 something year old officers in 500 will be laughing at you and blogging about it here!
8) Don’t worry Stan da man, I’m sure you’ll do well dealing with 918s and putting your life on the line, like all those cops you fucked over the years. Remember when you chuckled at Dave Barnes being demoted to Patrol? Remember when you thought it was funny? Well is it funny now Stan? Trust us. We are all laughing our asses off! At least he got 900, not 500.
9) Maybe you can practice some of your sexual harassment techniques on some hookers? With the economy in the shitter, you’ll find some takers.
10) Louie Tovar and the rest of the assclowns in FIB want to personally thank you for not investigating them, when you should have. They are banding together to get you some McDonald Land Coupons for the McDonalds right off the 7th Street exit. Just don’t use the bathroom Stan, it’s an absolute fucking mess from 1000’s of homeless dudes shitting in the toilet.
11) We hope and know that you will be driving through South Phoenix, sweating your ass off, thinking about how you life went wrong and how you should have spent the time to investigate Louie Tovar and listen to a citizen who has excoriated you on a website. We really hope that is one of your biggest life regrets, along with you sexually harassing one of your female associates, Paula.
12) We have a great idea to get your career back on track Stan!
Go and Find the Real Baseline Killer! We might suggest starting in Mike Polombo's garage. 13) We hear that Commander Jeoffrey Hynes is dedicating a whole chapter to you in his book titled,
Thinks I Will Never Know About Leadership. The chapter is all about what not to do in a leadership position and how harassing a female in the office can lead to a demotion. It also will read how lying and being unethical can be a nice finishing touch to a career. Maybe you can write the
Forward in his book? Since you both aren't very bright, 1/2 of a mind working on this book is better than only 1/4? We'll supply the crayons.
14) Did the wife leave you yet? You have an EEOC against you for sexual harassment, you’ve been demoted to patrol…she can't be liking any of that. Better hope one of your buddies isn’t visiting the ol Hoover home for some intense “interrogation methods” and some “penetrating” and “probing” questions…if you know what we mean…

15) Always remember if it gets too tough, you could always take the early retirement option like so many before you have. You may not get all your DROP money, but it may spare you some humiliation in the long run.
16) Maybe you could call PPSLA and have Lieutenant Mark Hafkey help you out? No wait - Mark's a douchbag too, he couldn't count to 21 if he were naked. Hafkey needs to worry about his own ass at this point.
Good Luck Stan. Be safe! We're all rooting for you!